But Not For Me
by Joanne Collins
Summary: Someone watches Logan and Scott, and regrets what cannot be.


Disclaimer: No, they're not mine. They belong to 20th-Century Fox and Marvel   
Comics.  
Warnings: Angst. Kind of a songfic, but not really. No lyrics in the story, they're quoted at the end.  
  
IMPORTANT NOTE: Movie canon.  
  
Yes, I'm finally getting to a Logan/Scott, I had to do one. Just had to.  
  
Takes place a couple of months after the events of the movie.  
  
***********************************  
I knew from the moment they clashed that they'd be together.  
  
It wasn't even a conscious knowledge.  
  
I think *they* knew it, on some deep level, and I picked up on that.  
  
They knew, somehow, that it wasn't hatred, or even rivalry over Jean.  
  
And I knew then that I would never reveal the truth to Scott.  
  
How could I?  
  
How could I tell Scott, so young, so beautiful, that a dried up old man like me had foolish dreams of being with him? A half-man, not even a full-bodied man like Erik, who might have a half a chance with one of those young bucks.  
  
Oh, yes, I see Logan's attractions. How could I not? All that leashed power, my god, he must be amazing in bed.  
  
I haven't ever invaded their privacy to find out. I couldn't do that.  
  
Sometimes I wish I didn't have the scruples I did. I could be a part of it, without their knowledge. But...it wouldn't feel the same. That's the real reason I don't do it, if I'm honest with myself. I'd know *exactly* what I was missing then, and it would hurt even more.  
  
It didn't hurt when Scott was with Jean. I thought then that I was wishing for the stars, that my feelings for Scott were impossible because he loved women, loved Jean. And that was easy to accept, because it was right, it was how things should be for him, and I knew that he would never be able to love another man.  
  
But to know what I know now...to know that he can love a man. That hurts beyond anything I could ever put into words. Not because I could have ever imagined us being together in any way but in my thoughts, but because the pain is so much greater when I think that if I were whole, that maybe there would have been a chance. I don't know why this pain is greater, but it is.  
  
I'm at the window of my study now, watching them. They don't know I'm watching, so they're free with each other, out of the sight of the students. Scott is so beautiful when he smiles. He's smiled for me a few times. He smiled for me when I came out of the coma a few months ago. He was very happy to see me. Not as happy as I was to see him, of course.  
  
Oh. Logan has Scott pushed against a tree, leaning in for a kiss. Scott's lips part, inviting, his tongue tracing over them. Logan's hands roam Scott's body, mapping the contours, as Scott arches into that gentle touch. Logan is gentle with Scott, but I've noticed the evidence of some not-so-gentle times too. Bruises on Scott's pale skin, nothing noticeable if you're not looking for it, and I suppose I am looking for it. But I know, even without scanning, that the pain is never too much, that it's always a part of the pleasure.  
  
The kiss is deepening, becoming more an outpouring of need than the simple, affectionate gesture it started as. I suspect that that happens a lot between these two. Scott is pushing his hips against Logan's, and I can see his lips moving to let little gasping moans escape.  
  
I can't watch any more. It's a quiet time of the day, the students are all in classes, and from the urgency of the touches, I have the feeling that they will take the chance to be together in the sunlight.  
  
I will not take their privacy from them. I cannot.  
  
I turn from the window, and pick up the phone. There is always work to be done in the quest for mutants to be accepted in the world.  
  
FINIS  
  
***********************************  
  
This story was inspired by the song But Not For Me, written by Cole Porter, the version performed by Harry Connick Jr.  
  
They're writing songs of love - but not for me  
A lucky star's above - but not for me  
With love to lead the way  
I've found more clouds of gray  
Than any Russian play - can guarantee  
  
I was a fool to fall - and get this way  
Ah ho alas and awe - so lackaday  
Although I can't dismiss  
The memory of her kiss  
I guess she's not - she's not for me  
  
Old man sunshine - listen you  
Never tell me dreams come true  
Just try it - and all start a riot  
  
Beatrice Fairfax don't you dare  
Ever tell me she will care  
I'm certain - it's the final curtain  
  
I never want to here from any cheerful Polly-Anna's  
Who tell you fate supplies a mate - it's all bananas  
  
It all began so well - but what an end  
This is the time - a fellow needs a friend  
When every happy plot  
Ends with a marriage knot  
And there's no knot, no (k)not for me  
  



End file.
